2008 0915

想像是美好的
現實是醜陋的

我不懂 為什麼 我害怕 被窺視
儘管 完全沒有被窺視的理由
潛意識裡 總是會莫名地壓抑自己
害怕自己在被別人凝視的瞬間
進入了 不想進入的空間
甚至 被困住 被綑綁 永世不可翻身

2008 0914

我對他的情感是複雜的、飄移、閃躲、偶然浮現的
儘管 我對他多所埋怨
然而，也許我所看到的 正是我所畏懼的
他的性格和我有太多雷同之處
這也正是 我對他的作為雖不甚苟同卻能心領神會

思緒遊蕩
我想到 有天 有人 同我說：一早醒來，發現環繞在女人的香水味中，卻對前晚的事，全無記憶。
好久沒有徹夜狂歡 一覺醒來 發現自己深處於別人的香味之中

秋颱

去年的此時 同樣的颱風天 同樣的陰雨綿綿
我們一起取暖 躺在床上 讓思緒漫遊
我們想的 是同一件事吧？

你曾經埋怨過我 當初你吻我的時候，怎麼沒說你不是單身。
是不是單身，有那麼重要嗎？
現在看來，的確無關緊要，無緣是我們的共識。

今年同樣的秋颱 也許是勾起了一些不該被勾起多愁善感的片段
你突然想起我
但是 我依然不是 你想要的那個人

置之不理是最好的結果。

Yes, I am pathetic. I stay at home on Friday night and use internet!

OK, it is 1am Friday night or Saturday morning Taiwan time.

I just found out almost all the applications that I used on facebook are under maintenance. There can millions of reasons for it. However, it can be categorized into two, first: there might be a major security breach, malfunction in the system, and so on and so on; second, this maintenance could be carefully designed to self repair or something (forgive me about the technical term, I am no expert in it. In fact, I am totally sucked at it.) at the period of time which it would influence on lesser users. Let's hope it is not the first one, as much as I would hate it if it is the second one.Seriously, second one makes me look bad but first one put my privacy into danger.. Tough call...

Assume that Friday night is the time which lesser users log online, what do people do on Friday night then?So obviously.....people either go out on Friday night or go to sleep. There are not many normal minded person would stay at home on Friday night, wearing unattractive old granny PJ, and log onto facebook.

There I admitted, " Yes, I am pathetic. I stay at home on Friday night and use internet!"

無

為什麼寫文章一定要有題目？
難道雜記、隨感之類的文類，就一定難登大雅之堂嗎？
更何況，網誌本來已非什麼高雅的寫作場域！（笑）

最近這一個月，J和我經歷了很多事情。
就像Kanye West說的：What don't kill me, can only make me stronger.

假若，我們能就這樣走下去
也許，我們離Happy Ending就不遠了。
然而，無可避免地，卻也可能是另一個傷心的開始。

無題

默默地聽妳說著妳的煩惱
突然發現 我們兩個相似的嚇人
平時過份理性 但是卻又常常向前衝得渾身是傷

C有著同年齡女生中少有的老練和成熟
這是我喜歡她的地方 也是她令我掛心之處
我知道 她的老練是自己體驗出來的
內心裡總默默希望 ：『假若她可以天真幼稚一點 該有多好？』

Numb

To be honest, I can't feel much recently.
I felt numb and empty, moreover, I think I lost the ability to talk, to think, to feel.
Everything is nothing.

This is what happened to me last night.

I want to to tell you what happened last night first.
I didn't know who she is until Eric came talk to me about stuff like" Do you know she has this huge crash on John?" " There was this one time, they were drinking at Woo, she said" not for your girl friend looks so cute, I would totally steal you away from her."
I asked Eric what her name is. Eric said" It's Candy."

The word " PREMEDITATION" was floating around in my head.But, soon I realized premeditation was not the right word for it.For the fact that you knew she had a crash on you and still you let it happened.
This is a MUTUAL understanding!

I can still remember how depressed I was that day in the afternoon right before we broke up, how excited you were about going to that KTV party, and how much she wanted you to go.
Not to mention how drunk they got you.

I didn't even drink much at that point, soon I drank two tequila shots. So I don't have to live with it.
It was just too much for me. I can't stop crying...
I needed to tell someone....I knew this was the stupid part.
Among all people, I told Helen.
Helen immediately decided to do something about it regardlessly.

She asked her to come over to our table, tried to be nice and made her drink.
Or let me rephrase it, got her drunk.
So we sat down at the same table and had a few drinks together.
Later on, Helen started to make some small talks with her .
Helen said " My boyfriend dumped me." "White guys love to cheat."
Do you want to know what did Candy said?

She replied " I had never dated any white guys here nor had sex with anyone not even ONS."
Yes, I know. It wasn't sex. It was a matter of INTERPRETATION.
Anyway, I just lost it at that point. I couldn't take it anymore.
Next thing I did was started to take more shots by myself. During that point,I couldn't even taste it!

" I need to walk away from here" "I can't stand looking at her."
So I walked to the restroom and stayed there for few minutes, indulged myself with some crying.
After I got back from the restroom, Candy told me how much you love me and how you showed the whole class my picture and all that.
It made me want to throw up.
Then she complained about me being cold to her.

This is simply too much for me. I didn't know I need to be the best friend of someone who happened to went down on my EX right after we broke up and made out with him before it.
Obviously I didn't get that memo when they were passing around at Gloria.

Soon after this, Joe came talk to me.
He said I wasn't being nice to her.
Joe said" No matter what happened, you shouldn't blame it onto her." " It wasn't her who could not stand the temptation."

To be honest, maybe I blamed it to her, maybe not. But it was really not a good time to lecture me about how much more gracefully I could be.So I needed a little time by myself AGAIN.
I went outside and couldn't stop myself from crying.
Brandon got so shocked from what is happening and kept apologizing.
I guess this was roughly about what happened last night.
Oh, well the rest is, I tried to protect Candy by sending her home.
So Helen got pissed off that Candy left and she started to break glasses and bowls.

I really think this wouldn't bother me. I guess I was wrong.
Obviously, I made a fool out of myself.
"If you couldn't stand the heat, don't go to kitchen", some American dude said it once.
We were totally fine and loving loving before I bumped into it face to face.
The chances are, after few days, I will forget about it and we will laugh about it together.
But right now, I would rather believe I can CHANGE, YES, I CAN!
We deserve a better life, a life without all these crazy drama.
Yes, We do! And YES, WE CAN.

One night in Paris

在腦海裡 無緣由浮現的
是那一晚 我和你坐在龐畢度中心外的水池 漫無目的的閒聊
還有那天懶懶地坐在巴黎鐵塔下 看著人們玩橄欖球
人生是多麼的有趣
十年前，我們曾做著一樣的事 只是當時我們只有十五歲 場景在台北
我們之間曾經擁有的 或是 還剩下的 只是城市中漫遊的回憶

無力感

最近被一種無力感包圍，
不想思考 不想行動
每天只想當個水腦的馬鈴薯