George W. Bush on Trust

“And there is distrust in Washington. I am surprised, frankly, at the amount of distrust that exists in this town. And I’m sorry it’s the case, and I’ll work hard to try to elevate it.”


From the quote blog

疏離

文學理論中，俄國的形式主義者認為 ：『文學是與現實的疏離』
文學中所使用的語法、詞彙，多是與現實脫離無法輕易被理解的。

寫作的意義不就是想把自己心理的感覺表達出來嗎？
假若，寫作的意義只為製造出一種疏離感，如此豈不是將文學限制在個人的領域？
對我來說，寫作的意義不僅僅在於抒發個人情感；更重要的是，在寫作完成後，被閱讀的過程。
我害怕被閱讀，也許是一種潛意識裡缺乏自信的表徵。
但是，不被閱讀，反而是一種更深沈的悲哀。

無題

在開始之前 就應該知道會有這樣的結果
再怎麼說 也不是不是知道自己被詛咒
不顧一切向前衝的結果是 讓周遭的人 相關或是不相關 都受到傷害
我不知道怎麼處理我跟你
一昧的閃躲不是一個好辦法
怎麼就只有我躲你 你有躲我嗎？

My life will

This is my new favorite song by Deserts Xuan


看著我沉默的憂傷
說不懂 不能懂 你以為夠明確的
我怎麼會迷惑的 生命的 真相

然而 忘了我們分別的語言
分別的視線
分別過去的餘煙
所以你總是知道 卻也總是不理解

my life will find its way; I say
(so, we will)
still love, still hate; we will get and lose, and all will still remain
my life will find its way; I say
(and we are)
but the body and the spirit

也不知道我是不是羨慕你的
但這應才是最傷人的地方
我想你一直都同意
領悟或看開些什麼真得需要時間
可 我野放的心
我是 在遠的邊界看你 想
怎麼過 都別給限

my life will find its way; I say
(so, we will)
still love, still hate; we will get and lose, and all will still remain
my life will find its way, I say
(and we are)
but the body and the spirit

my life will find its way; I say
(so, we will)
still love, still hate; we will get and lose, and all will still remain
my life will find its way; I say
(and we are)
but the body and the spirit
(we are…)
but the body and the …

Yes, We can!

The result of 2008 American Presidential election will be reveled after November 4th. As a Taiwanese, I feel not so strongly related to it. After I am not American, my words, my thoughts won't matter. However, on the other hand, America as the most power country , also known as World Police. It is extremely important for almost everyone who lives on this planet. To be honest, you will never know ,maybe one day, one decision made by Americans will change your country, you life. Imagine, one day American tell Chinese it is okay to attack Taiwan.... Under this kind of fear, I have been told it is more beneficial for Taiwan if Republican get the office. They would lean more to Taiwan.

The election at 2000, I remember I was trill to find out that George W. Bush got elected. At the time, I thought it might be better for Taiwan. The fact is, nothing changed . Everything remains the same like the Clinton's time. Party shifting doesn't mean much. Of course, it will be a bit different but nothing drastic. At least not in eyes. It makes me wonder, if it doesn't matter much who takes office, then maybe we should really look into their economic, education, social welfare policy, etc.

This year, I start to pay more attention into American President election. Mostly because we are facing the greatest repression after 1920. Even till now, none can make a solid conclusion why the great depression happened in 20's, not to mention the one we are facing now. We are at our new "low". However most of us fear that this is not the darkest time yet. The worst is on its way about to come. At such a chaos time, we need someone who cares about us not the lobbyists, speaks for us, not for the big corporation, knows what we need, not what the top10% need. For some reason I can really see this quality in Obama. Yes, it could all be a very successful campaign. This will all be another campaign slogan.

This might be a weird analogy, but I can really see the similarity in Obama's campaign and communism.This probably is going to cause a lot of confusion and misunderstanding. After all, people who grow up with capitalism often intimated by communism. But what I meant here is not about that, I meant the power to affect you, the power to make believe. Yes, I want to believe. I want to believe that we can change, we can make a difference. No matter how many times, I have seen Obama's campaign, his foreign, energy, economic, education, tax policies and etc. I feel like I can see hope in America.



Lyrics-

It was a creed written into the founding documents that declared the destiny of a nation.

Yes we can.

It was whispered by slaves and abolitionists as they blazed a trail toward freedom.

Yes we can.

It was sung by immigrants as they struck out from distant shores and pioneers who pushed westward against an unforgiving wilderness.

Yes we can.

It was the call of workers who organized; women who reached for the ballots; a President who chose the moon as our new frontier; and a King who took us to the mountaintop and pointed the way to the Promised Land.

Yes we can to justice and equality.

Yes we can to opportunity and prosperity.

Yes we can heal this nation.

Yes we can repair this world.

Yes we can.

We know the battle ahead will be long, but always remember that no matter what obstacles stand in our way, nothing can stand in the way of the power of millions of voices calling for change.

We have been told we cannot do this by a chorus of cynics...they will only grow louder and more dissonant ........... We've been asked to pause for a reality check. We've been warned against offering the people of this nation false hope.

But in the unlikely story that is America, there has never been anything false about hope.

Now the hopes of the little girl who goes to a crumbling school in Dillon are the same as the dreams of the boy who learns on the streets of LA; we will remember that there is something happening in America; that we are not as divided as our politics suggests; that we are one people; we are one nation; and together, we will begin the next great chapter in the American story with three words that will ring from coast to coast; from sea to shining sea --

Yes. We. Can.

吉它 A short story

You can't say she is amazing...I mean she is okay but that is it!She is that kind of girl who plays at the local little crappy indie pub where smells like cigarette, sells cheap booze. People who hang there are all younger than 28 with no exception. Use something Marge would say" There are filled with nice fat girls who can't afford being mean. To be honest, I don't like Marge, no..that is not true. Truth be told, I don''t really know Marge. How can you dislike someone you don't even know? Somehow Marge got this miraculous power which would trigger people's unpleasant feelings toward her.

鴨子

我從來就不是文藝青年的料，但是不知怎麼地。最近，我老是做著寫小說的春秋大夢。
自從念了研究所以後，因為每天要念的書堆著和山一樣高，養成了一個非理論書不讀的爛習慣。
現在，每天爛在家裡，比一攤泥好不到哪裡的情況下，連小說也不讀了，成天只知道看電視。
好聽點，是視覺的動物；說白了，是不願動腦的爛貨。
人生到了這番地步，似乎也沒有什麼好說地。

人走到盡頭，總是要想辦法找條生路。

不知道從哪裡來的，大概是在Johnny, Jack, Jose們的影響下：假若能把我的生活呈現出來，也許可算是功德一件。
不過，話又說回來，誰想看一個鴨子想事情？更何況是一個鴨子的生活？

2008 0915

想像是美好的
現實是醜陋的

我不懂 為什麼 我害怕 被窺視
儘管 完全沒有被窺視的理由
潛意識裡 總是會莫名地壓抑自己
害怕自己在被別人凝視的瞬間
進入了 不想進入的空間
甚至 被困住 被綑綁 永世不可翻身

2008 0914

我對他的情感是複雜的、飄移、閃躲、偶然浮現的
儘管 我對他多所埋怨
然而，也許我所看到的 正是我所畏懼的
他的性格和我有太多雷同之處
這也正是 我對他的作為雖不甚苟同卻能心領神會

思緒遊蕩
我想到 有天 有人 同我說：一早醒來，發現環繞在女人的香水味中，卻對前晚的事，全無記憶。
好久沒有徹夜狂歡 一覺醒來 發現自己深處於別人的香味之中

秋颱

去年的此時 同樣的颱風天 同樣的陰雨綿綿
我們一起取暖 躺在床上 讓思緒漫遊
我們想的 是同一件事吧？

你曾經埋怨過我 當初你吻我的時候，怎麼沒說你不是單身。
是不是單身，有那麼重要嗎？
現在看來，的確無關緊要，無緣是我們的共識。

今年同樣的秋颱 也許是勾起了一些不該被勾起多愁善感的片段
你突然想起我
但是 我依然不是 你想要的那個人

置之不理是最好的結果。

Yes, I am pathetic. I stay at home on Friday night and use internet!

OK, it is 1am Friday night or Saturday morning Taiwan time.

I just found out almost all the applications that I used on facebook are under maintenance. There can millions of reasons for it. However, it can be categorized into two, first: there might be a major security breach, malfunction in the system, and so on and so on; second, this maintenance could be carefully designed to self repair or something (forgive me about the technical term, I am no expert in it. In fact, I am totally sucked at it.) at the period of time which it would influence on lesser users. Let's hope it is not the first one, as much as I would hate it if it is the second one.Seriously, second one makes me look bad but first one put my privacy into danger.. Tough call...

Assume that Friday night is the time which lesser users log online, what do people do on Friday night then?So obviously.....people either go out on Friday night or go to sleep. There are not many normal minded person would stay at home on Friday night, wearing unattractive old granny PJ, and log onto facebook.

There I admitted, " Yes, I am pathetic. I stay at home on Friday night and use internet!"

無

為什麼寫文章一定要有題目？
難道雜記、隨感之類的文類，就一定難登大雅之堂嗎？
更何況，網誌本來已非什麼高雅的寫作場域！（笑）

最近這一個月，J和我經歷了很多事情。
就像Kanye West說的：What don't kill me, can only make me stronger.

假若，我們能就這樣走下去
也許，我們離Happy Ending就不遠了。
然而，無可避免地，卻也可能是另一個傷心的開始。

無題

默默地聽妳說著妳的煩惱
突然發現 我們兩個相似的嚇人
平時過份理性 但是卻又常常向前衝得渾身是傷

C有著同年齡女生中少有的老練和成熟
這是我喜歡她的地方 也是她令我掛心之處
我知道 她的老練是自己體驗出來的
內心裡總默默希望 ：『假若她可以天真幼稚一點 該有多好？』

Numb

To be honest, I can't feel much recently.
I felt numb and empty, moreover, I think I lost the ability to talk, to think, to feel.
Everything is nothing.

This is what happened to me last night.

I want to to tell you what happened last night first.
I didn't know who she is until Eric came talk to me about stuff like" Do you know she has this huge crash on John?" " There was this one time, they were drinking at Woo, she said" not for your girl friend looks so cute, I would totally steal you away from her."
I asked Eric what her name is. Eric said" It's Candy."

The word " PREMEDITATION" was floating around in my head.But, soon I realized premeditation was not the right word for it.For the fact that you knew she had a crash on you and still you let it happened.
This is a MUTUAL understanding!

I can still remember how depressed I was that day in the afternoon right before we broke up, how excited you were about going to that KTV party, and how much she wanted you to go.
Not to mention how drunk they got you.

I didn't even drink much at that point, soon I drank two tequila shots. So I don't have to live with it.
It was just too much for me. I can't stop crying...
I needed to tell someone....I knew this was the stupid part.
Among all people, I told Helen.
Helen immediately decided to do something about it regardlessly.

She asked her to come over to our table, tried to be nice and made her drink.
Or let me rephrase it, got her drunk.
So we sat down at the same table and had a few drinks together.
Later on, Helen started to make some small talks with her .
Helen said " My boyfriend dumped me." "White guys love to cheat."
Do you want to know what did Candy said?

She replied " I had never dated any white guys here nor had sex with anyone not even ONS."
Yes, I know. It wasn't sex. It was a matter of INTERPRETATION.
Anyway, I just lost it at that point. I couldn't take it anymore.
Next thing I did was started to take more shots by myself. During that point,I couldn't even taste it!

" I need to walk away from here" "I can't stand looking at her."
So I walked to the restroom and stayed there for few minutes, indulged myself with some crying.
After I got back from the restroom, Candy told me how much you love me and how you showed the whole class my picture and all that.
It made me want to throw up.
Then she complained about me being cold to her.

This is simply too much for me. I didn't know I need to be the best friend of someone who happened to went down on my EX right after we broke up and made out with him before it.
Obviously I didn't get that memo when they were passing around at Gloria.

Soon after this, Joe came talk to me.
He said I wasn't being nice to her.
Joe said" No matter what happened, you shouldn't blame it onto her." " It wasn't her who could not stand the temptation."

To be honest, maybe I blamed it to her, maybe not. But it was really not a good time to lecture me about how much more gracefully I could be.So I needed a little time by myself AGAIN.
I went outside and couldn't stop myself from crying.
Brandon got so shocked from what is happening and kept apologizing.
I guess this was roughly about what happened last night.
Oh, well the rest is, I tried to protect Candy by sending her home.
So Helen got pissed off that Candy left and she started to break glasses and bowls.

I really think this wouldn't bother me. I guess I was wrong.
Obviously, I made a fool out of myself.
"If you couldn't stand the heat, don't go to kitchen", some American dude said it once.
We were totally fine and loving loving before I bumped into it face to face.
The chances are, after few days, I will forget about it and we will laugh about it together.
But right now, I would rather believe I can CHANGE, YES, I CAN!
We deserve a better life, a life without all these crazy drama.
Yes, We do! And YES, WE CAN.

One night in Paris

在腦海裡 無緣由浮現的
是那一晚 我和你坐在龐畢度中心外的水池 漫無目的的閒聊
還有那天懶懶地坐在巴黎鐵塔下 看著人們玩橄欖球
人生是多麼的有趣
十年前，我們曾做著一樣的事 只是當時我們只有十五歲 場景在台北
我們之間曾經擁有的 或是 還剩下的 只是城市中漫遊的回憶

無力感

最近被一種無力感包圍，
不想思考 不想行動
每天只想當個水腦的馬鈴薯

台灣準備好了！

中華民國第十二屆民選總統馬英九在520今天宣誓就職，馬英九當選總統，對我這個微不足道的研究生來說有著什麼意義？

我出生於典型的外省人家庭，我爸是在長安出生，和我爺爺奶奶坐著最後一班汽船，來到台灣；我媽雖然是在台灣出生，但因為我外公、外婆也是從大陸逃難而來的，所以她在台灣這種詭異的氛圍下，無可避免的被歸為外省人。有著這樣的家庭背景，我理所當然的變成所謂的『外省人第二代』或是『第三代』。

對於這樣的分類方式，我的內心十分抗拒且困惑。再怎麼說，我也是在台灣出生，在台灣長大的台灣小孩，沒想到在某種不合邏輯的族群操作下，我被歸為不屬於台灣人的一群。每次到了選舉，這樣的分類法則一次又一次的讓人不知所措。

我還記得現在已經是前總統的陳水扁先生，在他第一次的競選總統的時候，他提出『台灣人選台灣人』的選戰策略。一直到現在，這句話還是深深的刺痛著我。照字面上來說，這句話並沒有什麼不對或是不合理的地方，但是其背後影含著對於『台灣人』一詞是十分暴力的。陳水扁總統想藉著『台灣人』一詞，把閩南人跟民進黨結合，連帶綁架所謂『本土意識』，來和政治上明顯的他者-國民黨以及其支持群『外省人』對立。

對我來說『台灣人』一詞是非常多元、自我表述的，只要認同台灣這塊土地，都可以是『台灣人』。沒想到，在選戰的操作下，我突然不是台灣人了！我成了阿共仔的同路人，只要不支持台灣獨立的，就是想要統一、想要捧中國的LP。這樣鮮明的二分法，使我及其慌恐，我沒有辦法進入這個分類法則，我找不到我的位置。

在馬英九的就職演說中，他提到：

英九雖然不是在台灣出生，但台灣是我成長的故鄉，是我親人埋骨的所在。我尤其感念台灣社會對我這樣一個戰後新移民的包容之義、栽培之恩與擁抱之情。

馬英九當選總統對我來說，是一種外省人原罪的洗除，我知道台灣社會並不是可以輕易被政客操弄、把持，而產生內部分裂、對立。我們台灣的人民是具有獨立思考、判斷能力的。同時也象徵了台灣人的團結。


對於馬英九的有著高度的期望，也許正是因為這個求好心切的心態，近來因為就職典禮而造成的風風雨雨，讓我憂心不已。一個簡單的喬不論是觀禮座位或是國宴座位，這麼簡單的事，馬辦都一而再，再而三的出了一些紕漏。這些都在在的顯示出，馬英九團對幕僚的行政能力其實還是有待加強；另外，更透露一個令人十分擔心的特質-對500萬選票的渴求。
我總認為，陳水扁之所以不是一個稱職的總統，就在於他太在乎選舉，他所有的發言、盤算，都是以選票為優先。對他來說，選上總統並不是要為人民做事，而是為連任做準備。
馬英九在這次不論是自家人或是綠營的人對座位安排有意見，在媒體上放話以後，才趕快出來滅火，希望能平息眾怒。從好的方面來說，是善體人意，希望能做到盡善盡美；另外一個角度來看，則是馬英九鄉愿的個性。君無戲言呀！假若已經安排好的事情，就不要輕易再更動；假若是可以再更動的，那麼，當初何不多花一點心思來處理這些事情呢？

馬總統，
台灣準備好了！！
你呢？

Sunday ,funday!

On a beautiful Sunday, J and I decide hanging out around 101.
On that particular Sunday, the weather is sunny but windy, not like Taiwan whether I say. Somehow it reminds me of Amsterdam.
Maybe not just the weather that reminds me of Amsterdam, also the scenery.
Without all the busy traffic, MuCha looks almost like the suburbia of Amsterdam.

There are lots trees around my hood.
Trees have this very magical quality that is so pleasant and chill as if it can cast a spell and makes you day so much better.
It's funny that I said that, considering the fact that I don't like nature.
But there is just something about trees or all the plants that please me and it will be too hypocritical to deny it.

A 12 minutes ride on a nice smelling cab, we are outside the 101 building, looking at the LOVE installation art.
The first thing I noticed is agnes.b.
For all my passion toward their simple yet chic design, we wander in the store.
I am very much attracted to their silver accessory sale while J lays his eyes upon the CD rack.
I guess this kind of combination is great for both of us.
I get to shop for the latest fashion while J shops for some new music!

Another thing that came to my attention is how comfortable I am wearing a extremely light make-up and a pair of dirty sneakers.
Fine, I admit the word "comfortable" might be too strong for it, but I am definitely not bashful for what I look like.

無題

我所知道的世界和真實的世界有什麼不同？當我在做出這樣的發聲，指涉時，顯然地我已經預設了某一種真實的存在。德希達說記憶是一種語言形式

德希達：表像是一種死亡，而死亡不過是一種表象

收到他的信讓我感到很愉悅，想到自己的愉悅竟是建立在他人的行動時，心裡的愉悅似乎淡淡地蒙上一層藍色的紗。是心裡的愉悅還是心理的愉悅？我好像真的離不開這樣的權力結構，在我和他的關係中，主體是不存在的，只有一個強大的他者不斷進行召喚。不過，當自我剖析開始時，愉悅的感覺瞬時被一種強烈的自我厭惡所取代。這可以說是主體的溢出，雖然主體本身難以發聲，但仍然會見隙插針的吧。

不知道他是怎麼看我們之間的關係呢？我想，大概帶有一種勝利者的眼光吧。他總認為他可以控制我，不論是身體或是心理，儘管他並不會過份濫用他的「特殊功能」。不過，到底什麼是濫用？是誰的濫用，對誰的濫用？是真的濫用嗎？還是被遮蔽的呢？俗話說的好：一個巴掌拍不響。一個愛控制人，一個愛被控制，誰又能說什麼呢？

回溯我們過去的情景。有一次，不記得為什麼，我們大吵了一架，他一氣之下衝進廁所，把我留在房間裡。我一個人默默的在房間裡掉淚，心理越來越覺得委屈。每當我感到委屈的時候，心理就會湧起一股莫名回家的黑潮。頭也不回地，站了起來，奪門而出，我要回家。他被這樣突然的舉動嚇到，一路上越走越慢的我，心裡越來越難過，難過他怎麼不來追我。儘管手機響個不停，卻怎樣也不願意接。最後，在掛斷兩通電話後（對我來說，已是非常多），當他質疑離去的原因時，默默地吐出：我把雨傘忘在餐廳，這把雨傘對我來說很重要，我想要立刻將之取回來。不論有多麼憤怒，就是沒辦法表達出來。我就是這麼壓抑的人。有人曾經碰觸過我內心的深處嗎？我不知道，就像哈利波特的法力到底有多高強，誰也不知道。

King of Carrot Flowers Pt.1 by Neutral Milk Hotel

在 J 君的介紹之下，

我最近最新喜歡的音樂就是 Neutral Milk Hotel 在 1998年發行的In the Aeroplane over the Sea 專輯中的 King of Carrot Flower pt.1。

1998年，轉眼間也十年了，假如你不記得1998年發生的什麼事，here is a list! 1998年，我時年15歲，正是國三要升高一的那一年。
對我來說，1998年是我人生中很關鍵的一年。
從小被認為是資優生的我，在高中聯考的時候，跌破大家眼鏡的大失敗。在我當時故意考砸私校入學考試的情況下，我進入了西松高中。很多人不瞭解為什麼我當時會故意搞砸私校的入學考試，原因無他，我國中導師曾經以半威脅式的口吻對我說：「你去私校，你就知道了。你以後就不用補習了，光學校就把你操死。」
想也知道，以我天生熱愛自由的個性，在這種氣氛下，怎麼可能會乖乖就範！但是沒考上自己心目中理想的學校，加上我之前推甄失利，的確使我有一陣子不斷對自己的能力質疑，總覺得不管我再怎麼努力，最後也會是一場空。我想，對於努力與成功之間非具有絕對關係的悲觀看法，便是自此而起。

我第一次聽到這首歌的時候，一點也沒料想到是有點時間的歌，還默默以為是最近才發行的。
不曉得，一個人對於音樂的喜好是否也會受到自己年紀或是心境的影響。

我向來就不是一個有音樂細胞的人，不論是在演奏音樂的天分或是品味方面（哈）。
我喜歡開心的歌，讓人聽了能夠放鬆的！

我喜歡這首歌還有一個很大的原因，就是它的歌詞。歌詞和曲風之間的跳tone，產生出一種詭異的美感。歌曲本身是以吉他和弦樂作為主旋律，帶著一股嘻皮民謠的甜美曲風，彷彿敘述著一個兒時的純真善良的回憶；歌詞講的是則一個非常態的家庭生活。讓我聯想起Little Miss Sunshine.


King of Carrot Flowers pt.1

When you were young
You were the king of carrot flowers
And how you built a tower tumbling through the trees
In holy rattlesnakes that fell all around your feet

And your mom would stick a fork right into daddy's shoulder
And dad would throw the garbage all across the floor
As we would lay and learn what each other's bodies were for

And this is the room
One afternoon I knew I could love you
And from above you how I sank into your soul
Into that secret place where no one dares to go

And your mom would drink until she was no longer speaking
And dad would dream of all the different ways to die
Each one a little more than he could dare to try

這是一個現場的版本
Ps.這個版本是好幾首歌一起的，所以要稍微耐心一點 ，差不多要到五分三十秒喔 ＝）

茶壺裡的風暴

這場風暴終於在昨天晚上結束
我沒料到 原來 J 是這麼一個細膩的人
沒想到的是 J 竟然扮演起我以前偵探的角色
偷偷地檢視各種可能的線索 偷偷地因為所發現的證據而生氣
本來是一定會因為被窺視而大發雷霆
但是

生質燃油

最近因為一系列石油開採等等之類的問題，
大家開始正視石油做為一種地球資源將很快的被耗盡的危機。
因此，很多學者開始致力於生質燃油的開發。
所謂生質燃油就是以非石油燃料為基礎的燃料

還記得我第一次聽說生質燃油將可以有效地減低對地球的傷害，
我對於生質燃油的期待、欣喜、幻想著一種彌賽亞的來臨。

漸漸地，
生質燃油颳起一陣旋風，
大家開始跟進生質燃油的製造。

但是，生質燃油卻帶來了當初始料未及的危機。

現在全球的人口以每秒二個人出生的速率成長，
人口成長如此快速，糧食生產的速度卻無法趕上。
加上，因為經濟的快速發展，
人們開始改變他們的飲食習慣。
他們的飲食內容從大量的澱粉、蔬菜、以及小量的肉類；
改變為大量的肉類，小量的蔬菜、澱粉。
肉類的大量消耗，使得牧人擴大畜牧規模。
大量的牲畜，需要大量的飼料。
在如此一來往的過程中，全球對於穀物的需求大量增加。

生質燃油最主要的生產原料便是玉米，
因此，生質燃油的興起，對於全球已形短絀的糧食市場更是雪上加霜。

我不知道是否有什麼方法可以改變這些。
在我有限的智慧中，想要找出一個完善的解決方法
似乎是痴人說夢。

也許我們可以從減少日常生活中對於肉類的攝取做起。

無

毛姆在他的中國印象記一書中，曾經提過：「一個人的寫作精彩與否是和其人格有關，而非和其材料（經歷）精彩與否。」

當我看到這句話時，當下心驚膽戰不能自己。

冷戰

終於結束了為期一個多禮拜的 冷戰

我跟 J ，兩個人都不喜歡爭吵
但卻又十分倔強，不肯認輸。
在這樣的結果下 我們冷戰了一個多禮拜
與其說是冷戰，還不如說是 J對我以冷漠相待。

經過這次冷戰，
我發現 J是真心愛我的
在這個世界上， J也許就是最關心我的那個人。

J 對我說，每當我生氣的時候
我的嘴巴便會微微扁起來
J 第一次看到的時候，差一點笑了出來
J 說： 你生氣時的樣子 非常可愛 像一個小孩子。

昨天晚上，當J 看到我的扁嘴時，J 怎麼也笑不出來
他知道他惹我不開心了，他發現我因他而難過。
倏時地，J 把我一把摟進懷中
對我說：對不起，都是我不好。我惹你難過了。
在 J 的懷裡，一種熟悉，甜蜜的滋味再度席捲了我全身。
我想說些什麼，卻什麼也說不出來，
只默默地說：我好想你，好想念你的擁抱。

J 是第一個知道我生氣的人。。。
在 J 面前 我沒有任何秘密
他總是能一眼看出我的喜怒哀樂
也許 這次 會是一個好的結局！

我的感情觀

我的生活似乎無可避免的都繞著男人們打轉。我承認我是一個很怕寂寞的人，害怕被忽略，害怕被拋棄。可矛盾的是，我又是一個極度愛面子，天性爭強好勝，逞兇鬥狠之人。在這兩種人格特質混和作祟之下，就變成因為愛面子，所以面對感情的挫折時，我從不死纏爛打，委曲求全；因為害怕被遺棄，所以我總是搶先一步，在你放棄我之前，先放棄你。

正是因為如此，夜不成眠，不斷反覆思索假若當時我不...，如今...是我打發時間的遊戲。

我愛過的人

雖然早已事過境遷
但是 我還是想問你一句
你到底有沒愛過我？
說愛也許太沈重
當你看到背包上的鎖時，你會想起我嗎？
你會像我一樣想像我們再次相遇的情境嗎？
你還記得我們一起看到的彩虹嗎？
你是不是已經把我隨手的塗鴉丟掉了呢？
你說 你也不喜歡我們就這麼形同陌路。。。
那麼，對你來說，我到底是什麼？
或者，我曾是什麼？

佛克 Forkers

這禮拜一，我和蔡凱西兩人去閒晃。晃著晃著，我們便去了東區一家我朋友開的名叫佛克(Forkers)的餐廳坐坐。
佛克是專門賣美式漢堡的店，在東區的（前ATT）現微風後面巷子裡，君悅排骨的旁邊，剛開還沒兩個月。（台北市忠孝東路四段223巷10弄8號）

我對於 JOE的手藝早耳聞已久，正好可以趁這次機會來試試，
順便再次表達我對他們menu上沒有炸花枝一事的遺憾。

既然他們是賣漢堡的，加上我又是一個漢堡迷，毫不猶豫的點了HANK漢堡。
他們家的漢堡是可以自選漢堡肉的，有雞肉、豬肉、牛肉以及和牛四種。
HANK漢堡裡有漢堡肉（我選的是牛肉）炸雞條、培根和起司；
漢堡的麵包可不是隨便的一般的，是五穀雜糧全麥麵包。
他們只有套餐沒有單點，套餐裡可以選兩種配菜，我選的是薯條和沙拉，只能說真是超級超級好吃的！！！！

嚇出一身冷汗

昨晚 嚇出一身冷汗
原因無他 發聲出來的事件被感知到了
也不是第一次把心裡的看法寫出來 但卻是第一次被人提問
毫無意外的 就像我每一次被人閱讀便會緊張一樣
我 再一次的慌了 手足無措

我和J君

書寫自己的感情世界，似乎不是一件崇高的事，至少對我的主觀感覺來說。

不過，今天我倒是要做一件不光彩的事，我想談談我和J君。

我是在兩個月前朋友的生日派對上認識 J君的。
一開始因為我誰也不認識，在派對上總顯得有點孤單，
所以我強迫J君坐在我旁邊，假裝我們認識很久，我才不會看起來很可憐。
誰曉得沒一會兒，他就偷偷跑走，留我一人傻坐在那裡。

坦白說，我對J君並沒有特別的好感，只覺得他是個好人，
但絕不會是我會喜歡的型，而且我還默默的覺得我朋友應該跟J君有一腿。

我雖然並不是有著很強道德意識的人，
但是再怎麼說，我是絕對不會碰朋友的對象低。
而且，其實我反而對J君的朋友J2有好感，
J2君長得有點像威廉王子，笑起來的時候有點靦腆，超級可愛的。
不過，每當我和J2說話的時候，J君總會不知到從哪裡冒出來，
一把把我抓走，強迫我和他一起喝酒。
或是當我坐在沙發上歇息的時候，他就會拉我去跳舞，
到了後半夜，只見我在前面奔跑著躲著J君，他在後面追著我。

2007/01/20

對於這種無法被說出來的感受 能否被理解 我並不在乎
讓我意外的是 這感覺 和四年前的那種無力感 似曾相似
當旁人若有似無的點出最核心的問題時
僅管內心再怎麼不願承認 但就是無法反駁
這種想法在我內心不斷的翻攪
翻攪的原因或許是早有了定見 但卻天真的以為自己可以改變些什麼
也許 早就已經有了答案